If I Were Dead, it Would Hurt Less

As many of you know, I'm difficult. I may actually thrive on being so. Or perhaps ornery is a better way to descibe it. That's how J describes me, from time to time, when I'm being passive agressive. But today I was labelled as most difficult. I just wish it hadn't been at my first ever pap test. So, seeing as I got married, am over 30, and have never had one done, I figured it was high time to make an appointment. I went to the Women's Health Clinic, and was expecting some discomfort. They're shoving metal things into you so they can collect samples with popsicle sticks and mascara brushes. How comfortable can that be? Yeah. So, J and I had a nice morning, got his hair cut, went grocery shopping, and I took him home before walking over to the hospital. The nurse was very nice - showed me everything, explained it all to me, and left me to disrobe from the waist down. Not a problem. She came back in, warmed the device of evil, and started. The first time she removed it (seeing as I was too stiff to let her put it in anymore), she decided to go with the really narrow one. The second time she removed it, she decided I needed more lube. The third time she removed it, it was at my insistence; seeing as I was about to claw my way backwards over the top of the chair I was reclining in head first. The fourth time it went in, she remarked, "Well, we'll take what we can get. I hope it's enough." Yeah, I hope so too. Then she went to check my ovaries and I just about jumped through my skin. I hadn't thought about the fact that I'm totally ticklish. Go figure. I decided a few things as I walked home after the whole uncomfortable experience: 1. I care enough about my health to go back next year, but I'll take Advil first. 2. I never want a man doing anything like that to me. Ever. I'm sure his attitude would have been, "suck it up." 3. I do not believe I could possibly stretch enough to bear children. 4. The whole thing would be much easier with a couple of muscle relaxants and a bottle of tequila. Queen of Difficult, that's me.

Letters...Oh We've Got Letters...

J and I went to see a touring company of Second City Saturday night. Very funny. One sketch was a guy writing emails to everyone who has pissed him off. Mainly, utility companies. I liked his style. Hence: To: J Subject: I love you, but.... As I sat this morning in the bathroom, enjoying the pleasant breeze coming in through the window, it struck me how hairy you are. For, in that same breeze, a tumbleweed rolled past me made entirely of hair. While I realize that I lose some everyday too, these were a little too grey and a little to short to be my own. Honey, you're shedding, and you're not going bald. I have not decided on the best course of action here, but there will be one. Good thing the cleaning lady comes tomorrow. Your Wife To: My Lawn Guy Subject: You Rock! Thank you so much for getting Glamour Project 2007 off to such an amazing start. I will appreciate the day that I can once again use my own driveway once you have finished removing everything from our backyard. I can see the long-term goal, and assuming that you aren't going to overcharge me for labour and we get close to the agreed upon price, I will recommend you to those near and dear. As for the jackhammering to remove the concrete retaining wall, one wishes you would have warned one first so one could have closed the windows. Dustily yours, Me To: The Guy I Knew in Elementary and High School Who Found Me on Facebook Subject: The Reason I Chose to Ignore you Thank you for feeling it necessary to add me as a friend on Facebook. It's very flattering to have a person that I haven't seen in 15 years, nor thought about, look for me. Not that I've made it difficult, but still! I do find it necessary, however, to explain to you why I don't feel a need to find out what you've been up to for the last decade and a half. 1. I always found you somewhat creepy. Despite the children that you have had with your wife that were in your picture, you're still a little creepy looking. That doesn't sit well with me. 2. Your favourite "books" are listed as Penthouse, Playboy and Swank. The only thing that makes these titles resemble books (other than the facts that they have titles) is that they have pages. And perhaps a contrived storyline, as evidenced by Friends. While I didn't hate high school, there were many things that I abhorred. Your profile is evidence of most of the things that I hated. There are no "Glory Days" to relive with me. I just don't care. Sincerely, The priss from high school who's now a bitch To: The Visa Company Subject: My Ongoing Suffering Thank you for your support of my shopping. Without you, I would not have been able to put on a lovely wedding and go on a fabulous honeymoon with J. Despite the fact that I will pay off the ludicrous amount that I have spent in the last few months over another few months, I get the distinct impression that you enjoy my hemhorraging of money into your coffers. Please stop raising my limit, and extending my grace period. I would prefer all of this solicitousness being channeled into a lowering of my interest rate. No? Well, one must try. Sincerely, The girl with no money to speak of that isn't spoken for To: J Subject: Why I Love You As I lay in bed last night, you rolled over, pulled me close, and held me until I fell asleep. Thank you for not being from my high school Big Smoochies, The girl you married

Of Garage Sales, Cupboards and the Boob Tube

Friends, there is a great deal happening here. I wish it were cooler, or that I didn't sweat. Despite the fact that I am a girl, I do not glisten, I do not glow, I sweat. My glasses slipping down my nose, red face and all that fun stuff. I hate humidity and summer weather. My fingers have also swollen, so I'm not even wearing my rings at the moment. It's very sad. I've been up on a step stool cleaning out the tops of my cupboards looking for things for my friend Andrea's garage sale. With all of the new gifts coming in, I'm making space. As well, with J's (limited) amount of stuff, I apparantly need to make room for it too. Currently, there are 3 boxes in my trunk; and I'm not done. the new kitchen dishes are still in boxes on the dining room floor, and I'm sure there's more lurking in a dark corner of the house that I just haven't uncovered yet. I was in the linen closet this morning looking for a new box of kleenex and was amazed by the fact that despite giving my mother all of the twin sized sheets and blankets that I had for a charity project in my hometown, there is really no space for the new sheets and towels J and I have received. Anyone want some (slightly) used pink towels? My mom got them as wedding gifts. They're only 36 years old next week. She gave them to me when I left for university 15 years ago so that she could go out and purchase new towels. Despite the fact that my bathroom is brown and green, and that J wanted blue towels, I have decided that the pink towels that have nothing wrong with them are leaving my house. Takers? Anyone? Bueller? Andrea is holding the sale and donating the money to a friend of hers who is going on a mission trip. I consider this a great cause that gets the excess out of my house and used again. What's even better: I don't need to hold the garage sale. The problem is, it's Andrea's sale. So far it has changed date twice. I was watching mindless TV last night as J worked on his resume and other necessities for him for job hunting when Andrea called again. A short transcript of the call: Me: Hello? Andrea: Sarah? I'm just calling about the garage sale. It's moving dates again. Is that a problem? M: Nope. When do you want my stuff? A: Well, the new date is Saturday. But I'm busy most of Friday. Could you get things to me by Thursday? M (sounding normal, despite my mental hyperventilation) : Sure. That shouldn't be a problem. A: Great. How about Thursday morning? Just call me when you're ready. Yeah. I had barely started the first box. Suddenly, it must be all out of my house by Thursday. I have a lot to do. Television has become very interesting. Speaking of television, while I love my American husband, I fail to see the allure of college football. He had me call the satellite company yesterday to see if we could get ESPN college ticket so that he can spend all day Saturday this fall watching Big 10 games. Well, the weeks that we aren't at the Big House ourselves. Yeah, it's not going to happen. Apparantly, the Canadian satellite company doesn't think there's enough people here interested to offer the service. We did upgrade our package, tho. J gets the sports channels (which I never saw a point to), and I have discovered the joys of GSN, the Game Show Network. I love Match Game. and Lingo. And Card Sharks. And Press Your Luck. It's a good thing school starts in a month. Otherwise, I should start looking for bonbons and maribou slippers.

Do You Feel Married Yet?

This is the question my friend littlguy asks me everytime we chat on line, and my answer is always, "Sure, why not?" because the truth is that I'm not sure. How does being married feel? J and I have now known each other for 27 months: the first 8 by computer and phone only. We've been together IRL for 19. He's been in Canada for 9 months; just a slightly shorter amount of time than we've been engaged. He's been moved in here for 3 full months now, and now that the dresser is here and the armoire is built, his things no longer litter any free surface (that's saved for wedding gifts at the moment). Not that any of these things would make me feel married...they're just measures of how long we've known each other. I think the problem is, I can't decide what has really changed since the wedding. He's working, I'm home; and it's my house, so nothing has changed there. We keep separate bank accounts, and he gives me money to help with the bills because they're all linked to my accounts. I still pay the mortgage, and the house is in my name. Seeing as I'm not changing my name legally, it's one more thing that we really don't share. I keep introducing myself as Sarah S on the phone and making reservations for things. It's funny to me, and something to sigh over for him. J is once again looking around for work (he does this a lot...I think it's to rattle me), and this may be the deciding factor: we lay in bed last night talking about the possibilities, and what it would mean for us. He talked about how he needed to do what was best for him, as well as for his family. I suddenly realized that he was talking about me as his family - and it gave me warm fuzzies; partially because he really wanted my opinion, but also because he was willing to think about my needs and putting them first. Apparantly, my husband has a lot to teach me. TUA (Totally Unrelated Aside with deferance to kapgar): Glamour project 2007 started today. I went into the bathroom to take a shower this morning and realized that there were 2 men in my backyard ripping out the patio stones and railways ties that made up the totally useless lower patio that came between my deck and the grass. Woohoo!! Soon it will be all grass. I must buy a hose. We don't own one of those, and the seeds will need watering.

HA HA!!

The pictures came! And my parents were here for supper last night, so I now have a disc of my BFF's pics too. It's been very exciting, posting albums to Facebook, adding one here and so on. We went to see The Simpsons Movie Friday night. Lots of fun. Someday, I may even stop singing the Spider Pig song. But I'm not sure it will be anytime soon. Right. Must do dishes. We'll see what else transpires.

Random Thoughts

My intent, at least for the summer, is to write everyday. I am already remiss in doing this. It's not even really a case that I'm all that busy. I just don't sit down and think about blogging. Meh. Here's the current observations and craziness: Weddings are expensive, even when over. I phoned the dry cleaners on Monday to ask how much it would cost to have my dress cleaned. It's not even all that dirty. With no dance, I wore the thing for about 9 hours. Probably the most likely times for it to get dirty were my getting in and out of my BFF's van and during dinner. I managed to stay clean during dinner. The dry cleaner told me at least $300. I didn't tell them about the coat that goes with it. Argh. So the dress is still lying across our guestroom bed until I can figure out what to do with it. I'm not sentimental enough to keep it forever, but there's a part of me anti-selling the silly thing. I want to be able to gift it to some plus sized girl who desperately needs a dress. We'll see. I may sell it just to get the dry cleaning fees out of it. I still have no pictures of the day. My mother has been passing an album around, but I still have 4 digital images that I haven't printed for the simple reason that our photographer took the exact sames shots. Apparantly the CD is in the mail. I so hope it comes soon. People are starting to look at me funny when I say I have nothing to show for the day yet. I mean, it's been almost 2 weeks!! How could I not? J's new dresser comes today, so I actually managed to clean out the blanket box so I could move it yesterday. I'm getting rid of all the twin bed sized linens in the house. We replaced that bed, so why not? I don't have space to store all those sheets and blankets too. Despite what you might think that that would mean towards moving things out of the dining room, it hasn't happened. Absolutely nothing moved yesterday. i would like to say that I am extremely proud of that, but my parents are now coming for dinner Saturday night, and we need the dining room table so we all have somewhere to sit and eat. Guess what my project is for today and tomorrow? Hopefully J will find something to do. I'm not sure I want his help. It might make me crazy. Speaking of making me crazy, J's mom phoned yesterday and asked for a list of everything we received as a wedding and shower gift. Um, why? There is no such list. I (or another of my choosing) dutifully wrote on the back of the card or a discarded envelope who gave me what. I am also a little confused as to why J's mom seems to feel that she needs said list. J's coment? "Oh, there's probably someone who wants to give us something, and she wants to make sure it's not a duplicate." I don't know. I find it more nefarious than that, but what's she going to do with a list of gifts? Perhaps my distrust comes from her follow up question, "Did you get much money?" Or maybe it's my own cynical nature. Bleh. Other than that, the weekend is upon us. J's schedule of Friday and Saturday off will work well for the summer. With me off all the time, it really doesn't matter. We're going to see the Simpsons movie this weekend (more things to quote!), and clean out the dining room. That may be enough.

The Detritus of Celebration

Well, the wedding has come and gone. A beautiful day, and now all I need are the pictures to remember it by. People kept warning me that it would all pass in a blur, and it kinda did. It was a lovely day - as I've been told. Hallie has announced that it was her favourite wedding ever, so yay! J and I had a great honeymoon, cruising in the western Caribbean. But I have a confession to make: I am sitting in the midst of piles of gifts, and I am paralysed. It would be great if I weren't such a procrastinator. I may never see my dining room table again. I need to go through the closets and get rid of the things that we don't need anymore (like the twin bed sheets and blankets), or don't want (like the pink towels that my mom gave me when I moved out so she could buy new ones); yet the new towels sit in the dining room waiting for me to unpack them. J's comment upon returning and surveying the state of most of the main floor of the house? "I was kind of sorry that I was going back to work, but now I'm not." I know there's a hardwood floor in here somewhere. But at least I have a project - and a bit of a goal: a friend of mine is having a garage sale in August/September, and she's taking all of my cast offs (especially those from the kitchen - who needs 6 9x13" pans??), so I need to get this done before then. We'll see how that goes.