Thoughts for a Tuesday Afternoon

It's 5:40 PM and I just got out of the shower. It has been one of those days. I've also decided that blasting Keith Urban through the good speakers attached to J's computer is in order. My ancient stereo from university freaks out every time I put the disc in. So here I sit with still drippy hair, trying to make sense of what's going on. I'm hoping writing will be the answer. I kinda miss all that hair I had for the wedding because it was easy to hide when I really didn't feel like washing it...just pull the ponytail tighter and wait for tomorrow. I obviously spent waaaay too many years at camp when I can say things like that. But it's nice to feel clean; even though I have floury fingers already from putting together pizza dough in the bread machine already. We still need to eat dinner, and I need to be somewhat ambitious during the time that J is at work. I really have only about 2 weeks of vacation left. 2 and a half, technically, but I need to go in and look at the disaster that was my schedule when I left in June and get some prep work done. I know that I have 2 full sections of Grade 10 life skills math, and that neither class will be as math savvy as my wretched Grade 10s of last year. I need to get ready for first week baseline assessments. Not that I really want to think about them. It's more fun to still be on vacation. I've also told J that really, I'm not ever going back to work - but I'll still be collecting my paycheque. I'm not sure how that works, but I'm willing to give it the old college try. I like being home in the day, with few plans and lots of time. Although that would probably get old. Eventually. Things are fine on my end right now. I can't find the dining room table still, but it's coming. J has, unfortunately, started using the same tactics that my mother uses to get me to do things; he'll ask as he leaves for work, "So, you're going to put things away this afternoon, Right?" So I nod and promptly ignore his pointed suggestion. I will say that I paid our bills this afternoon, did 2 loads of laundry, put away the cookbooks (all 2 of them), went through his immigration paperwork, and read a magazine this afternoon. And made pizza dough. And I'm going to do the dishes when I'm done this before I go pick him up. I'm hoping he'll realize without my saying so that suggesting what he wants me to do shuts me down. Maybe I should just tell him. What I started thinking about this afternoon was the fact that when I go back to work, it's going to get a lot harder around here. I mean, the laundry will get done, and meals will arrive on the table, and I'll still pick J up every night, but I worry about how tired I'm going to be. How much work I'm going to have. How I'll have my own political intrigues to navigate. It's going to be interesting. For as I stay home and pay bills, J's mired in a job he doesn't like. It's exhausting for both of us on some level. He's stuck in the fact that this is the one and only place his work visa allows him to be gainfully employed - but he's still looking for a new gig, and with it a new work permit. I haven't told him this yet, but I think he needs that new position before we submit his papers to the Canadian government or they may shut down his plans. We're still trying to figure out if he's going to be able to get the time off to go to Genesis in Cleveland in September, and whether or not he'll actually get to meet my extended family at Christmas. Last year I went alone as he worked. Neither of us want to do that again. While he has time off, he's not allowed to take it, except at the convenience of his employer, which is never because they don't have a backup plan. It's insanity and I'm scared to death he's going to walk away from it and be my financial responsibility. Not that I really blame him with what's been going on recently. No answers, only questions. I just want the outlet. Perhaps tomorrow will make more sense. Then I'll put stuff away.

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