J and I went to see a touring company of Second City Saturday night. Very funny. One sketch was a guy writing emails to everyone who has pissed him off. Mainly, utility companies. I liked his style. Hence:
Subject: I love you, but....
As I sat this morning in the bathroom, enjoying the pleasant breeze coming in through the window, it struck me how hairy you are. For, in that same breeze, a tumbleweed rolled past me made entirely of hair. While I realize that I lose some everyday too, these were a little too grey and a little to short to be my own. Honey, you're shedding, and you're not going bald. I have not decided on the best course of action here, but there will be one. Good thing the cleaning lady comes tomorrow.
To: My Lawn Guy
Subject: You Rock!
Thank you so much for getting Glamour Project 2007 off to such an amazing start. I will appreciate the day that I can once again use my own driveway once you have finished removing everything from our backyard. I can see the long-term goal, and assuming that you aren't going to overcharge me for labour and we get close to the agreed upon price, I will recommend you to those near and dear. As for the jackhammering to remove the concrete retaining wall, one wishes you would have warned one first so one could have closed the windows.
To: The Guy I Knew in Elementary and High School Who Found Me on Facebook
Subject: The Reason I Chose to Ignore you
Thank you for feeling it necessary to add me as a friend on Facebook. It's very flattering to have a person that I haven't seen in 15 years, nor thought about, look for me. Not that I've made it difficult, but still! I do find it necessary, however, to explain to you why I don't feel a need to find out what you've been up to for the last decade and a half.
1. I always found you somewhat creepy. Despite the children that you have had with your wife that were in your picture, you're still a little creepy looking. That doesn't sit well with me.
2. Your favourite "books" are listed as Penthouse, Playboy and Swank. The only thing that makes these titles resemble books (other than the facts that they have titles) is that they have pages. And perhaps a contrived storyline, as evidenced by Friends.
While I didn't hate high school, there were many things that I abhorred. Your profile is evidence of most of the things that I hated. There are no "Glory Days" to relive with me. I just don't care.
The priss from high school who's now a bitch
To: The Visa Company
Subject: My Ongoing Suffering
Thank you for your support of my shopping. Without you, I would not have been able to put on a lovely wedding and go on a fabulous honeymoon with J. Despite the fact that I will pay off the ludicrous amount that I have spent in the last few months over another few months, I get the distinct impression that you enjoy my hemhorraging of money into your coffers. Please stop raising my limit, and extending my grace period. I would prefer all of this solicitousness being channeled into a lowering of my interest rate. No? Well, one must try.
The girl with no money to speak of that isn't spoken for
Subject: Why I Love You
As I lay in bed last night, you rolled over, pulled me close, and held me until I fell asleep.
Thank you for not being from my high school
The girl you married
In 1200 characters, I could say quite a bit. I'm early 40s, married, not enough time to do the things in life that I love. But I do enjoy cooking, travel, and sleeping. Especially sleeping...but that goes without saying.
I'm always on the lookout for great new recipes to try, fun new experiences to do, and finding a new place to nap...all with my husband.