Letters...Oh We've Got Letters...

J and I went to see a touring company of Second City Saturday night. Very funny. One sketch was a guy writing emails to everyone who has pissed him off. Mainly, utility companies. I liked his style. Hence: To: J Subject: I love you, but.... As I sat this morning in the bathroom, enjoying the pleasant breeze coming in through the window, it struck me how hairy you are. For, in that same breeze, a tumbleweed rolled past me made entirely of hair. While I realize that I lose some everyday too, these were a little too grey and a little to short to be my own. Honey, you're shedding, and you're not going bald. I have not decided on the best course of action here, but there will be one. Good thing the cleaning lady comes tomorrow. Your Wife To: My Lawn Guy Subject: You Rock! Thank you so much for getting Glamour Project 2007 off to such an amazing start. I will appreciate the day that I can once again use my own driveway once you have finished removing everything from our backyard. I can see the long-term goal, and assuming that you aren't going to overcharge me for labour and we get close to the agreed upon price, I will recommend you to those near and dear. As for the jackhammering to remove the concrete retaining wall, one wishes you would have warned one first so one could have closed the windows. Dustily yours, Me To: The Guy I Knew in Elementary and High School Who Found Me on Facebook Subject: The Reason I Chose to Ignore you Thank you for feeling it necessary to add me as a friend on Facebook. It's very flattering to have a person that I haven't seen in 15 years, nor thought about, look for me. Not that I've made it difficult, but still! I do find it necessary, however, to explain to you why I don't feel a need to find out what you've been up to for the last decade and a half. 1. I always found you somewhat creepy. Despite the children that you have had with your wife that were in your picture, you're still a little creepy looking. That doesn't sit well with me. 2. Your favourite "books" are listed as Penthouse, Playboy and Swank. The only thing that makes these titles resemble books (other than the facts that they have titles) is that they have pages. And perhaps a contrived storyline, as evidenced by Friends. While I didn't hate high school, there were many things that I abhorred. Your profile is evidence of most of the things that I hated. There are no "Glory Days" to relive with me. I just don't care. Sincerely, The priss from high school who's now a bitch To: The Visa Company Subject: My Ongoing Suffering Thank you for your support of my shopping. Without you, I would not have been able to put on a lovely wedding and go on a fabulous honeymoon with J. Despite the fact that I will pay off the ludicrous amount that I have spent in the last few months over another few months, I get the distinct impression that you enjoy my hemhorraging of money into your coffers. Please stop raising my limit, and extending my grace period. I would prefer all of this solicitousness being channeled into a lowering of my interest rate. No? Well, one must try. Sincerely, The girl with no money to speak of that isn't spoken for To: J Subject: Why I Love You As I lay in bed last night, you rolled over, pulled me close, and held me until I fell asleep. Thank you for not being from my high school Big Smoochies, The girl you married

1 comment:

suze said...

Mike took me to see Second City in TO on Sunday night - sort of a post-wedding wind-down (complete with massage and a night at the Royal York Hotel. Bliss.) It was lots of fun. My favourite was the preacher skit - "Jesus is on your facebook". Very funny. "Jesus has changed his status from crucified, to risen again..."